the gap.

i set my alarm for 9 this morning. it's not a saturday, i'm unemployed.

i woke up at 8:45.

i made coffee in my new french press (do you know that, until today, i hadn't ever made anything besides keurig coffee before?) and as i sat down outside on my deck, i kept thinking, what does this feel like?

i am not worried about finding a job. throughout this whole process of transitioning out of my job, that concern has never been at the top of my list. i am so sure of god's faithfulness, that he wouldn't ask me to let go of something that felt like gold just to replace it with something less than. he plays it like a game of bigger and better, trading up what i have for actual gold.

it does feel uncomfortable, though, because i thought i would've had a job by now. i thought there would've been an overlap, not a gap, in the time between leaving my old job and finding a new one. i'm tempted to feel discouraged, but i can't bring myself to feel disappointed in what i see from god because he is not disappointing. the only thing that's discouraging is my limited view, which isn't to say the gold doesn't exist -- only that i can't see it yet.

these gap days feel like a reminder of that, and a prompting to think, maybe i needed this.

maybe i needed this to feel settled, and also like i am entirely suspended in mid-air. maybe i'm being pushed -- pushed into something i don't think i'm strong enough for, but something that will make me stronger.

because, as i sat there, i couldn't help but feel thankful. how can a person find rest in jesus if they are never in a position where it needs to be found?

it feels like peace, i kept thinking.

pull me a little closer, i kept praying. take me a little deeper.