the leap of faith.

so i was an english major, with a creative writing emphasis, at the university of hartford. that's what i decided made the most sense, and that's what i decided to go for. God seemed to be pretty silent during the decision process, so i took that to mean i was doing okay on my own.

and then there was this one tuesday night, about three weeks into the semester, where everything came crashing down. i absolutely hated my classes, especially the english ones, and trying to deny it was causing me to be completely miserable. it was exhausting.

i remember sitting on my bed and thinking God had finally spoken up and that He was giving me a loud and clear "NO." i remember the tears and how they wouldn't stop coming and the more i thought about it, the harder i cried. i remember knowing exactly what i had to do and wondering how i was going to have the strength to actually do it.

the next day, i went to my advisor and asked what i would have to do if, say, i wanted to drop all of my classes and take the rest of the semester off. the words rushed out of my mouth so fast, i had to repeat them a second time. he just kind of looked at me for a minute before asking if i was serious and why i would want to do that. he didn't understand, which is kind of ironic considering that he's an advisor and all, but he brought me to a nice lady who did.

this lady helped me fill out the paperwork they needed and explained to me how the process was going to work. the whole time she was talking to me, i felt like i couldn't breathe and like i was going to cry at any second. i couldn't believe this was me. how did i get this far? how did i suddenly become one of those people who takes a semester off to figure out what they wanted? how did i think i could do this on my own?

i signed the papers that made it official and then i went home and cried for the rest of the afternoon. i knew without a doubt that i had made the right decision, but it was also the hardest one i have ever had to make. it was a huge leap of faith and i was still unsure of what kind of ground i would land on.

that's the thing about having faith. you do things that you're totally sure about that aren't totally logical. you take a step, but you're not sure if there is going to be ground beneath your feet when you set your foot down. but you do it anyway because you know, without knowing why, that it's going to work out.