someday, sarah.

let’s get right to the point: my speech. as i mentioned the other day, i had to give a speech this morning about how my life is like makeup. (again, thanks to t for that idea.) i also mentioned in that other post that we had to pick three items to represent our past, present, and future. my items were foundation (past), eye shadow (present), and lipstick (future).

the idea is that foundation is the base, what you apply first, and the values that my parents instilled in me as a child laid the foundation for who i am. eye shadow is fun and there are lots of options to try, and in my present, i’m trying different things and figuring out who i want to be. and lipstick is what completes the look and you usually only have one favorite that you always use, and in my future, i will have one career. …yeah.

i basically said all of that, using more words, in three to four minutes. and i think it went pretty well. i said everything i had to say, plus four or five “ums.” and i say i think it went well because i don’t actually know. the thing is, when i get up in front of a group of people and have to talk at them (ie, give a speech), i forget everything and just focus on sounding coherent. so much so that i have no idea what i look like. i have no idea what kind of posture i had, or what i was doing with my hands the whole time. i was too focused on the words coming out of my mouth to pay attention to any of that.

i also had a notecard, just in case my mind went completely blank, but i realized that that’s kind of pointless because, in that situation, i temporarily forget out to read and end up just staring at the card. in fact, every time i’d forget where i was going today, i’d say “um,” look at my notecard to clear my head, and then i’d remember. it had nothing to do with whatever i wrote on the card. it had more to do with me needing for forget i had 18 pairs of eyes on me for a second so that i could remember how to speak.

but i guess it went well. and my history exam went as well as it could have gone, i suppose. i basically copied all of my notes onto a 3x5 notecard, so it didn’t take me very long to just re-copy it down on the exam. now i just have to write the two take-home essays, which will be easy considering he outlined each one for us in class on wednesday.

and that’s pretty much it.

ps. dave barnes has a new cd and a bunch of pre-order/instant digital download options! ahhh! (click his name for more info.) (and i am still working on having a music-post day. i just haven’t thought of what to call it yet.)

i love wednesday nights. i think they’re my favorite, because my longest day is over and the rest of the week is a piece of cake. except for this week. on friday, i have a speech and a midterm.

let’s back up. i have a speech on friday. at 9:30 a.m. a speech. meaning, i’m going to have to stand up in front of all eight of my comm-lab classmates and talk to them for three whole minutes about how my life is like makeup. at 9:30 in the morning! (our assignment was to pick three objects that represent our past, present, and future. and they have to be related, so i chose makeup.) (shout out to tiffany for helping me out with that idea.) except it’s going to be more like me talking at them instead of to them, because they’ll probably just be sitting there staring at me, counting how many times i say “um.”

i can’t even tell you how much i am not looking forward to this. as if i’m not awkward enough as it is, let’s just showcase it to the class. and since i know how much you’d like to be a fly on the wall for that experience, i will just let you know that i plan on writing about it after it’s over, so it will actually be just like you’re there. lucky you!

(and i’ll also further explain how makeup makes up my life. but it’s basically like this: past = foundation, present = eye shadow, future = lipstick.)

and my midterm? it’s in history. civilization since 1500, if you want to be technical about it. but either way, it’s history. i hate history. no matter how hard i try to pay attention, everything my teacher says goes in one ear and out the other. it’s like, he’s speaking english, and yet i still have no idea what he’s saying. ever. luckily, he has this let’s-make-up-our-own-exams policy. which means we spent monday’s class coming up with questions that will be on the exam and today’s class answering them. oh, and did i mention the part about how we get to bring in a notecard with information written on both sides of it for the exam?

…i’m sorry, so what have we been doing in class this whole time?

seriously. although i guess it doesn’t really matter as long as i get a good grade.

on that note, i’m gonna go to bed. and hopefully, i don’t have another stress dream involving me standing awkwardly in front of a large audience, opening my mouth and realizing that i’ve forgotten everything i’m supposed to be talking about.

a few weeks ago, i was having a really hard time. and i mean, it took every bit of energy i had just to be functional. i couldn’t even pretend like things were okay. they weren’t, and i lacked the energy to try and prove otherwise.

i would wake up in the morning, after a terrible night’s sleep, and seriously wonder how i was going to make it through the day. i would go to school or work, and fight to keep my eyes open and my attention focused. no amount of hot chocolate or diet dr. pepper was enough. i would do the bare minimum and still, i felt like i couldn’t keep up.

now, weeks later, i can’t even explain how exhausting it really was because i don’t know how. and because it doesn’t matter. i made it through. just barely, but i made it. and it was all because every night, in the two minutes i had after my head hit the pillow and before i fell asleep, i would pray. i prayed that God would be with me, help me, and forgive me for not having time - for not making time - to read my Bible that day. i prayed that, over and over, because i couldn’t find any other words to say. i was too close to sleep, and the only thing i could think was, i need You so please just be with me.

and it was enough. i made it through, and things got easier.

i guess i’m writing about this because i don’t want to forget that. that even when you’re too weak to lift your hands, too exhausted to speak, He knows. that even when you feel like you have nothing left, He provides. that even when you can’t find the words to say, all you have to do is need Him. you don’t need to pray for hours, or have some extravagant prayer.

it’s like, all you have to do is look to Him, and He pulls exactly what you need from some magical reserve tank you never knew existed. and you manage to keep going, keep living, keep breathing. just like that.

it’s kind of convenient, isn’t it? convenient, and also completely incomprehensible.

You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer
my Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.
hillsong united.